Daddy shut down my blog for quite awhile, but is now allowing me to return. We moved to our new place last year, going from 1 state to another. I had my sights on our new location and didn’t want to look back. I was tired of it….and kind of planted the seed with Daddy that this was a good change to happen, etc. It was my dream to move here…I love the weather, the sights, the newness of a strange place…but after 2 months, I also began to suffer depression from missing family, familiar streets, I guess you take it for granted when you live in 1 place for 32 years. That is where I learned to drive a car, where I graduated from High School, I knew where everything was. Even cars traveling on the road at the same time as me every day looked familiar. So we move somewhere where nothing is familiar….I guess I wasn’t prepared for the emotions that can come with that….. at all.
It started with just wanting to kind of stay home. I was ok with going sight seeing, bu then I kind of started getting anxious while we were out, as if we needed to get back home, or to a hotel room, to pack up and go home. We had visited here several times before our move, so I guess that’s where my anxiety came into play….I just assumed it was a trip like all of the other times. But then we headed back to this house….and I felt restless because it wasn’t yet home.
Daddy tried to send me to the store by myself several times, but I had so much anxiety over being GPS dependent. The roads aren’t the same, the signs aren’t the same, heck even the speed limits are very different. I even ended up in a ditch because I went around the corner a little too fast, so my car spun off the road and down the grassy hill into a little ditch. I was able to pull myself out of it and drive home, but not without a huge emotional scar….. I found myself in the position of making excuses to wait until he got home from work so we could both go together. I could not drive without feeling my heart race, feeling lost, out of my element, and in a panic….
My daughter stayed behind, to go to college, and that was another huge blow. She was going to come with us, but then decided she wanted to stay near her friends.
One night daddy started to ask questions about her, just wondering how she was doing, and I ended up in a panic attack, unable to take deep breaths, I was crying, shaking, and I think for the first time, Daddy realized I wasn’t making any of this up. I really was affected from our move. So he started to ask me questions…….
Do you want to move back?
Do you like it here?
Then what is wrong?
Nothing is familiar, I feel my heart race when I leave the house. My daughter isn’t here. My family is celebrating holidays without me, I don’t know anybody.
So we began to take it slow. I was no longer asked to go run errands. The pressure was off me to leave the house. I began to do things around here to make it more of a home, including setting up a garden.
My daughter came to visit a few times, and when my sibling got married, I went back home for the wedding.
The changes haven’t just affected me, Daddy had to start a new job after being at his old one for 18 years. He was a stranger here, the low man on the totem pole, starting from scratch. He was irritable for awhile. He didn’t want to cuddle. He wasn’t his happy go lucky self. He was worried….. all the time. Would he learn the job, would they like him, would he pass the 6 months review, would he ever feel settled, would his wife be okay again, etc.
My anxiety is better, but it threw off our whole dynamic….even our nighttime routine. With his issues, and my issues, it put a huge wedge between us.
We are just celebrating a year here, and can look back and see some progress, but we do have a ways to go…making new friends is tough, feeling settled, looking around and retraining your brain that this is the new familiar, its been harder than I ever thought it would be. Daddy is doing very well in his job, but I think he has his moments where he wonders if he will feel settled and not be the new guy anymore.